Tell Me A Joke

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.

In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Statin Island.

What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!

How was the birthday party for the fish?It went swimmingly.

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

What breed of dog goes after anything that is red? Bulldog

What gets better with every birthday? Wine—and you!

What did one hat say to the other hat? Stay here, I’m going on ahead!

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.

What rock group has four men who don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

Why do phones ring? Because they can’t talk!

When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When you slice it.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

Why can’t dogs work the TV remote? Because they always hit the paws button. 

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

Why can’t you give Elsa from Frozen a balloon? Because she’ll let it go!

Why did the Football Coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

Why did the phones break-up? There was no connection.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.

What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation? The gravy train

What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.

What did one spouse say to the other when they started doing dishes on their birthday? You really don’t have to do the dishes on your birthday! You can just do them tomorrow.

What type of brief packs a punch? A boxer brief.

How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

Why did the computer go to the bank? It needed some bytes to spend.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

Why did the frog call his insurance company? He had a jump in his car!

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.

What kind of music do balloons fear? Pop tunes.

Why did the student eat his homework on his birthday? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake. 

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? A dead school bus.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

What did the bee say to the flower? Hi, bud!

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know”, she said, “Just give me something with diamonds”. That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hey, bud!

What did the cheerleaders say to the ghost? Show your spirit!

How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

What do you call a bear with no socks on? Barefoot!

What do you get if you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks!

What did the basketball player do before blowing out his birthday cake? He made a swish.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

Why do people put candles on top of birthday cakes? Because you can’t put them on the bottom.

Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish!

What kind of birthday does the Snow Queen like? Any birthday with frosting and icing!

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold? The corner, they’re usually 90 degrees.

Why couldn’t the family leave the room after playing with Legos? They were blocked.

What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”

What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.

How does Lady Gaga like her steak? (sing) Raw-raw-raw-ra-ah-aww

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.

What did the grape say to the silly peanut butter? You’re nuts!

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

What kind of dog should you use to help unlock a door? An A-key-ta.

What do you call a dog that can’t bark? A hushpuppy.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

What did the banana say to the boy? Nothing, bananas can’t talk!

What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake? “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”

I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

What does a dog stay in when she goes camping? A pup-up tent.

What did the birthday card say to the stamp on its envelope? Stick with me — we’re going places.

What did the birthday balloon say to the safety pin? Hey, buster.

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper? He wanted to live in the present.

What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb? I’m feeling bright today!

Why did the elephant decide not to move? Because he couldn’t lift his trunk.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

Why did the egg go to therapy? It was cracking under the pressure.

What do computers want for their birthdays? An upgrade.What did one pea say to the other on its birthday?Ha pea birthday!

What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.

What runs but never goes anywhere? A refrigerator.

Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties? He’s a fun guy.

How can hurricanes see? They have eyes.

Why doesn’t anyone want to work for dogs? Because they hound their employees.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?

I can’t tell if I like my new blender… It keeps giving me mixed results.

Why did the pencil case go to therapy? It was feeling a little boxed in.

What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor.

After accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear, what did the dog say to Woody? You got a friend in me.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!

What has no legs but can do a split? A banana.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.

What did one frog say to the other on its birthday? Hope your birthday is toad-ally awesome!

Why did the pencil sharpener go to the gym? To get a little sharper.

Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum? They’re both purple except for the rabbit.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

Why couldn’t the shoes go out and play? They were all tied up.

What has a neck, no head, and wears a cap? A bottle.

Why can’t male ants sink? They’re buoy-ant.

Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!

Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there!

Why did the traffic light turn red? It was embarrassed to change in the street.

What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.

How does a cat make a birthday cake? From scratch.

What’s a writer’s favorite train station? Penn Station.

When a dog has a fever, what should you feed him? Mustard—it’s the best thing for hot dogs.

Where does a penguin keep his money? A snow bank.

Which holiday do cows enjoy most? Moo-Year’s Day!

What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.

How do trees access the internet? They log in.

Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthday? At sundae school.

Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal.

What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad? A faux pa.

What did the witch do on her birthday? She spellabrates.

How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your backyard!

hat state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.

How do you stop a dog from smelling? Cover his nose!

Why did Adele cross the road?  To sing, “Hello from the other side!

What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!

When can peanuts laugh? When you crack them up!

Why don’t phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

Why couldn’t the leopard go on vacation? He couldn’t find the right spot!

What did the sapphire’s best friend tell her? You’re a real gem.

How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.

What did the lunch lady say to Luck Skywalker? Use the forks, Luke.

What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.

What do you call a famous turtle? A shell-ebrity!

What do chemists’ dogs do with their bones? They barium.

What do you call a car that never stops? Cargo!

What did the ocean say to the birthday boy? Nothing, it just waved.

Where can you find an ocean without water? On a map.

Where do cows go for entertainment? The mooooo-vies!

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!

What does it mean if no one shows up to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it, too

What did the apple say to the banana? You’re peeling me!

Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.

What’s the coolest dog? A pup-sicle

How is a bad joke like a broken pencil? They have no point.

What did one candle say to the other? Don’t birthdays just light you up?

Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.

What did the 99-year-old wish for on their birthday? To be younger!

Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? They dribble all the time.

Why did the kid bring a fish to school? He wanted to have a whale of a time!

Why did the rabbit go to the doctor? To get some hare care!

What do Martians like to drink? Gravi-TEA.

What’s a dog’s favorite dessert? Pupcakes! 

Why did the kid become a detective? He was great at solving puzzles!

Was anyone famous born on your birthday? No, just a bunch of babies.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes, because the Empire State Building can’t jump!

What did the traffic light say to the traffic light? Don’t look, I’m changing.

What is an astronaut’s favorite meal of the day? Launch.

Why did the balloon go near the needle? It wanted to pop by!

Why are obtuse angles so depressed? Because they’re never right.

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? I’ve been framed!

How did dinosaurs decorate their bedrooms? With rep-tiles!

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus have in common?

What do cats like to eat with their birthday cakes? Mice cream.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”

Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids… I’m a faux pa!

Which state is the smartest? Alabama—it has four As and one B!

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Flood-lights!

How do you get a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.

Why did the clown always choose the red balloon? Because they were pop-ular.

Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!

What do you call a group of chickens playing instruments? A fowl orchestra!

When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking.

Do you know where the first french fries were made? In grease.

Did you hear about the risk behind birthdays? Yeah, too many can kill you.

I’m really good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

When is a birthday cake similar to a golf ball? When it’s sliced.

Which side is the left side of a birthday cake? The side that hasn’t been eaten yet.

Why should you knock on the refrigerator before opening the door? In case there is a salad dressing

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection… The judge asks her, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot, everyone can catch a cold.

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo drizzle.

Can February March? No but April May

What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can’t wait to squeeze you!

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun-gi.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out!

How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.

Why did the developer go broke? Because he used up all his cache.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

What are a shark’s two most favorite words? Man overboard!

What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.

Did you hear about the tree’s birthday? A: It was a sappy one! 

What does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!

What is the tallest building in the entire world?  The library, because it has so many stories.

What kind of music is bad for balloons? Pop music. 

Why did the computer go to the gym? To get some more bytes to burn.

What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

When you put oil on a racing dog, what do you get? Grease Lightning

What do you call a cow that can cut the grass?…  Mulan.

Why did the music teacher go to jail? Because she got caught with a high note!

Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it!

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.

What’s yellow and writes? A ballpoint banana.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.

What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his yummy dog dinner? MMM, that hit the spots!

What do you call a left-handed boxer? A south paw!

What do you call a dog with a surround sound system? A sub-woofer.

Why did the woman celebrate her birthday for only 30 seconds? It was her 32nd birthday.

Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? He wanted to reach new heights!

Why did the birthday girl feel so warm at her birthday party? People kept toasting her!

I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!

What is a pug’s favorite fall beverage? Pug-kin spice lattes.

What kind of dog is most like a cat? A Purr-man Shepherd.

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

How Does a cyclist train for a race? He recycles.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

What type of flower should you not give on Valentine’s Day? Cauli-flower.

I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I’m just a bit slow.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare!

What did the snowman say to the birthday girl? Have an ice day!

Why did the cable get sad? His phone friend went wireless.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked.  “It’s not unusual” he replied.

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? They have good soles.

What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.

What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.

What do cows sing at birthday parties? Happy Birthday to mooooo

What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.

What do you call ticks in space? Luna-ticks.

When do you stop at green and go at red? When you’re eating a watermelon!

Why did the pencil go to the doctor? It had a lead role to play.

What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show? A CAT-has-trophy. 

How does a snowman get around? By riding an “icicle”!

What kind of fish loves going to battle? A swordfish!

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

What type of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad!

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

What 3 letters hold a lot of data? USB

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite!

What did one chicken say to the other on its birthday? I hope you have an egg-cellent birthday!

What do dogs order at movie theaters? Pupcorn.

Why did the alien go to the doctor? He was looking a little green.

Why did the chicken go to the gym? To work on his pecs!

Where did the dog leave his car? In the barking lot.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To get to the chicken.

What did one sock say to the other? I’ve got you covered!

What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before? Déjà brew.

How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.

What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.

What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream? You’re so cool! 

What does a house wear? Address.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator? A: A friend you can count on.

Why do dogs like conjunctions? They just love buts.

What does corn say when you give it a compliment? Aw shucks!

Which type of dog is also a lamb? Sheepdogs!

How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish the moment.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

What do people and trees each have? Roots.

What’s a dog’s favorite instrument? A trom-bone.

Why did the GPS coordinate get kicked out of class? He had a bad lattitude.

Where do happy lightning bolts live? Cloud nine.

Why did the keyboard go to the doctor? It had a lot of keys to press.

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.

Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

What did one pencil say to the other pencil? You’re looking sharp!

What did the hippie to her birthday party guests while she was serving cake? May piece be with you.

Why are dogs’ barks so loud? They have built in sub-woofer.

What do you call a grandmother who tells jokes? A gram cracker.

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone? A golden receiver.

Why do dogs need a license but cats don’t? Cats can’t drive!

What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.

How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don’t have feet.

What do they call you when you attend a ghost birthday? The life of the party.

Why did the frog take the bus to work? Because his car got toad away!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

How do you know if a donut is bored at a birthday party? It looks glazed over.

If they were to cast only dogs in movies, who would play Harry Potter? Spaniel Radcliffe.

What bow cannot be tied? A rainbow.

How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

What type of doctor can work in an auto body shop? A dent-ist.

What goes up and never comes down? Your age. 

What does an oyster do on its birthday? Shellebrate.

What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller? Spot!

What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.

What do you get if you cross a stereo and a refrigerator? Very cool music!

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.

Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat birthday cake? They always forget to take off the candles.

Why is a birthday cake like playing baseball? They both need batters.

What do planets sing in a choir? Nep-tunes.

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!

How do social turtles communicate? Snappy-chat.

How can you tell if a birthday cake is sad? If it’s in tiers.

How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

What’s the longest word in the dictionary?… Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.

What fruit do twins love? Pears!

What type of market should you never take your dog to? A flea market! 

Why is it called a litter of puppies? Because they’ll trash the place.

Where does a Labrador’s food go before it can be sold in stores? To the lab for testing.

What is Moby Dick’s favorite way to celebrate his birthday? By having a whale of a party.

What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!

What do you get a hunter as a birthday present?A birthday pheasant.

What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador!

What foods are good for young people? The pro-teens!

What does it make you if you see a robbery at an Apple Store? An iwitness.

What do you call a wrestler who always comes in second place? The Penultimate Warrior!

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.
“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out. The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

What do you call a snitching scientist? A lab rat.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!

What do you get when you cross a frog with a dog? A croaker spaniel.

I sold my vacuum the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles? He’s got a chip on his shoulder.

Why did the kid become a chef? He was a saucy cook!

How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity!

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

How did a duck buy birthday presents? He put them on his bill.

Where did the kittens go on the class trip? To the meowseum.

What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

Which sport involves the most chewing? Gumball.

Why didn’t the guitar player eat the whole apple? Too hard core.

What did one lion say to the other on its birthday? Yay, it’s roar birthday!  

What did one paper say to the other? I’m stuck on you!

What did one volcano say to the other volcano? I lava you!

What do newborn kittens wear? Dia-purrs!

What do you call a baby with a drum? A baby boomer.

What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every night.

Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? It was a vicious cycle.

What should you say to a fish on its birthday? Hope you have a fin-tastic birthday!

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice!

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.

When you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster, what do you get? A cockerpoodledoo!

Where do pigs park their cars?  In a porking lot.

What’s the stinkiest planet? Poopiter.

What do you call a chicken that tells jokes? A comedi-hen!

What is a dog’s favorite song to listen to after a bath? “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift.

Why did the ghost float across the road? Because he couldn’t walk.

What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!

What does a triceratops sit on? Its tricera-bottom!

What is no cat birthday party complete without? Mewsic.

What did the tree say to the wind? Leaf me alone!

What do you say to someone who is trying to steal your cheese? This is nacho cheese!

What do you call a dog that does yoga? A Foldin’ Retriever.

Why did the Dachshund want to sit in the shade? Because it was a hot dog.

What’s the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.

Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all its problems!

Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.

What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

What does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored? Tweet.

Why did the baker go to the bank? He needed dough.

Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because frost bites

What do you call a sick birthday cake? Coughee cake

What did one plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me!

Why did the boy soap as a birthday present? Because it was a soaprize party!

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Why did the dog cross the road twice? He was trying to fetch a boomerang.

What’s the best way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.

What did the toilet paper do when his friends threw him a surprise birthday party? He just rolled with it.

Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head.

Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.

What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning? A breakfast bar.

Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.

What did the coffee say to the sugar? I’m feeling sweet today!

What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.

What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.

Why did the kid become a scientist? He was a lab-our of love!

What do you call a bear that loves to dance? A grizzly groover!

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up!

Which dog breed is Dracula’s favorite? Bloodhounds

Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.

What is a dog dentist’s favorite tooth? The canine.

How come you didn’t get me a birthday present? You did say I should surprise you, right?

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday! 

Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi.

What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party? Aye-matey! 

What kind of birthday cake do ghosts like? I scream cake. 

Why did the painting go to jail?  It was framed.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam!

What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.

Why don’t skeletons ever use cell phones? They don’t have the guts to call!

When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him… “No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!”

What is a bee’s favorite day of the year?It’s bee-day!What’s a sure sign you’re getting older? When you and your teeth don’t sleep together.

What should you give a dragon for its birthday? I’m not sure, but you’d better hope he’ll like it!

How was the handsome runner described? Dashing.

What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.

A horse walks into a bar… The bartender says “hey”… The horse replies “sure”

What do you call a dog who designs buildings? A bark-itect!

Why do hamburgers fly south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns!

What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? Cool Ranch!

What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

When do you need to climb the ladder? To get to High School.

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

What did one apple say to the other apple? You’re the apple of my eye!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He had already felt his presents.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary? Take the words out of his mouth!

What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purrr-ple.

Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor? It needed help figuring out its problems.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

What do cakes and baseball teams have in common? They both need a good batter.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

What Do You Get When You Have A Cat That Eats Lemons? A sour puss.

Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.

Why did the pencil go to the gym? To get a little more pointed.

Why do leprechauns prefer cash to presents on their birthday? Because money is green.

What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.

Why is a pancake like the sun? It rises in the yeast.

What type of birthday celebration only happens in the bathroom? A birthday potty! 

What don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

What do you call a wild dog that meditates? Aware wolf.

What is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

How old was the caveman on his birthday?Stone AgeWhy did the cupcake go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.

Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus!

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.

Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

Which dog breed has never done anything wrong? Saint Bernard.

Did you hear about the dog who couldn’t stop talking like a horse? It was a dog and pony show.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea

What kind of tree survives without water? A family tree.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.

Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude.

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit? Approximately 1 GB.

What is an insect’s favorite sport? Cricket.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat ? A little horse.

“I cannot express how important it is to believe that taking one tiny—and possibly very uncomfortable—step at a time can ultimately add up to a great distance.”

—Tig Notaro

Why don’t scientists trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something!

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

I’m reading a book about antigravity… It’s impossible to put down!

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved!

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.

What can open doors and is full of letters? Keys.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.

What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.

Why did the coffee break up with the sugar? Because it was too sweet!

Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.

What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley!

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

What does a clam do on his birthday? It shellebrates!

What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm.

Why did the computer screen go to therapy? It had a lot of pixels to work through.

How can you tell if you have a lazy dog? He only chases parked cars.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands.

Why did the pencil go to the party? Because it was a drawing card.

What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school? Her pet-degree.

What did one campfire say to the other? Let’s go out one of these days!

Why do kangaroos celebrate their birthdays once every four years? They only get to celebrate them on leap years.

What do you call a magician’s dog? A Labracadabrador.

Why did the farmer yell at the grape? Because it was being un-rasin-able.

What’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice!

What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space.

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

What button can’t unbutton? Your belly button.

How does a hurricane see? With one eye.

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.

What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell!

Why did the grape go to the party? Because it was a berry good dancer.

Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

Why don’t lobsters share? Because they are shellfish.

What’s the most patriotic sport? Flag football.

Why do winners always win? It beats me.

What’s the best way to remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once.

When you see a cemetery …”Look we are in the dead center of town”.

How did Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? A: He had a whale of a time. 

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

How do moths swim? They do the butterfly stroke.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending!

What kind of birthday cake do you get for a coffee lover? Choco-latte.

Why do fish always sing off key? Because you can’t tuna fish.

What do you call young dogs who play in the snow? Slush puppies

What do dog lovers wrap around themselves when it gets cold outside? A nice warm Setter.

What kind of candle burns longer than others? None, silly — they all burn shorter.

What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo choo choo!”

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

When you cross a Rottweiler with a hyena, what do you get? I’m not sure, but if it begins laughing, I’m going to join in.

Did you hear about the tree’s birthday party? Things got pretty sappy!

Why couldn’t the pony sing? Because she was a little hoarse.

What’s an avocado’s favorite kind of music? Guac and roll!

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Ca-shew!

Are you a cheetah? No, you lion!

What didn’t the teddy bear eat cake on its birthday? He was already stuffed!

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta

Why did the cherry go to the gym? To get some pit-iful abs.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

What’s the best way to woo a math teacher? Use acute angle.

where do birds invest their money? The stork-market!

What did the cake say to the birthday girl? You wanna piece of me?

What kind of shoes do private investigators wear? Sneak-ers.

Which table fits in the fridge? VegeTABLE.

What kinds of outdoor markets do dogs despise? Flea markets.

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Cake and mice cream.

Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed!

What’s the best thing to say to a cheese-lover on their birthday? Hap-brie birthday!

What’s something you get for your birthday every year, aside from cake and presents? Another year older.

What happens when thieves crash a birthday party? They take the cake.

What did the buffalo say when his son left the birthday party? Bison.

What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie? A pie-thon!

What kind of chicken is the funniest? A comedi-hen!

When you cross an aggressive dog with a computer, what do you get? A lot of bites.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce join you for birthday cake.

What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven? Angel food cake.

How is a USB like an elephant? They both have memory skills.

Which dog is the quietest? The Alaskan Malamute.

Why do hurricanes wear a monocle to see? Because they have one eye!

I wish my kids weren’t offended by my Frozen jokes. They really need to let it go!

What did Dory order from McDonald’s? The Big MacKerel!

Where do pirates get their hooks? Secondhand stores.

What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.

What did the pencil say to the paper? You’re looking sharp!

How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? Because you should never drink and derive.

What is a computer’s first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you… … an iWitness?!

Why did the computer visit the doctor? It had a byte!

Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?  Their bats flew away.

What do you call a fish who practices medicine? A sturgeon!

What’s an astronaut’s favorite candy? A Mars bar.

How did the dinosaur build her house? With a dino-saw.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…”

What will happen if you invite a thief to your birthday party? They will take the cake!

What birthday present is guaranteed to make anyone’s face light up? A light bulb.

How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

Why did the pencil go to the bank? It needed a little cash.

A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food.”

What is a good spot for a taste bud? I forgot… it is on the tip of my tongue.

When should you take a plum to dinner? If you can’t find a date!

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

What do you call a bear that’s stuck in the rain? A drizzly bear!

What did the boy say when his parents hired a clown for his birthday party? Thanks, I really appreciate the jester. 

Why did the PC go to the doc? It had a virus.

Why did the school kids eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!

Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? To make some dough.

What genre of music do young dogs like the best? Pup music.

What kind of bean can’t grow? A jellybean.

Why did the dog walk into the saloon? He was looking for the man who shot his paw.

Why do all of my relatives keep reminding me how old I am on my birthday? Because age is a relative thing.

What type of candy is always late? A chocolate.

Why did the pencil go to the doctor? It had a point to prove.

Who is the dog’s favorite comedian? Growlcho Marx.

How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common? Because they’ll never meet.

What was the elephant’s birthday wish? A trunk full of gifts.

Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs.

What kind of tree grows in your hand. A palm tree.

Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party? Because it’s so cool.

What do you call a space magician? A flying saucerer.

What did one flea say to the other? Should we walk or take a dog?

I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”

What did the cheese say to his friend on his birthday? “Hope you have a gouda birthday!”

What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room? The living room!

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose!

What did the fork ask the sad birthday cake? What’s eating you up?

What type of check has no money? spell-check.

Why did the computer go to the party? Because it was a byte-sized occasion.

Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.

What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.

What did they call the girl born at the beach? Sandy

Which dog breed loves living in the Big Apple? A New Yorkie.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?  Swimming trunks.

Why did the pencil break up with the eraser? It was a sharp move.

What type of dog is constantly aware of the time? A watch dog.

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied!

What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.

Where does a spy go to the toilet? A gents!

What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite!

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with him!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Why is cold water so insecure? Because it’s never called hot.

What do you do when your dog chews up your dictionary? You take the words right out of its mouth.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bacon. Bacon who? Bacon a cake for your birthday.

Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.

What do you say to your goldfish on his birthday? Have a fin-tastic day.

What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree? A facepalm.

What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.

Why are hairdressers never late for work?  Because they know all the short cuts!

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t peeling well!

What is the strongest animal in the sea? Mussels!

Why do you go to bed at night? Because the bed won’t go to you!

What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!

What do you get when you cross a shark and ‘flipper’? A fat shark.

Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? All of the fans left.

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

Why is my dog’s back always sore? He’s a Mastiff.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!

What do you call a cat on the beach? A sandcat!

What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.

Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

How do dogs say goodbye? Chow Chow!

What’s the vest way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

My kid gave me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!

I love having a short son… Because he is always willing to look up to me.

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? Let’s table this.

Why couldn’t the knot go to the birthday party?It was all tied up.

What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

Why couldn’t Captain America find Thor’s brother? He was Low-key!

What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

Why don’t some fish play piano? Because you can’t tuna fish!

Why did the kid bring a compass to school? He wanted to navigate his way to success!

What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.

What happens when a husband asks his wife for a Segway as his birthday present? She just changes the topic.

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?Bring out the doggy paddle.

Why did the peach go to the doctor? It had a pit in its stomach.

If a woodchuck had a name, what would it be? Chuck Wood.

What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

What was the dog’s job at the fancy hotel? He was a Labra-doorman.

Why can’t a bicycle stand on it’s own? It is two tired.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.

Why are ghosts good cheerleaders?  Because they have a lot of spirit!

Did you hear about the outlet who got in a fight with the power cord? He thought he could socket to him.

A teddy bear sits down at a restaurant. The waiter asks, “Would you like anything?” The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”

What do you call a dog that has been left outside in the cold for an extended period of time? A chili-dog

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Cause it got stuck in the crack

Why do candles have such a good time at birthday parties? They love getting lit!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!

So a vowel saves another vowel’s life…The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”

Spring is here! I got so excited … … I wet my plants!

What do you call a lease of false teeth? A dental rental.

What do you call it when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.

What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.

I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…The bark is much quieter.

What did the British umpire say to the batter? Europe.

What do puppies and pages of a book have in common? They’re both dog-eared.

What do call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face? …Too close for comfort food!

What’s the most famous fish? A starfish!

What do you call a fish that plays the piano? A scales player!

Did you hear what happened between sugar and cream at the birthday party?  It was the icing on the cake.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type.”

Why didn’t cavemen send birthday cards? The amount of postage needed to mail rocks got too expensive.

What kind of pizza do dogs eat? Pup-eroni pizza!

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice!

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?  The baa-baa shop.

What did the kid tell a classmate who lied about his birthday being in the summertime? Julyed.

How do billboards talk? Sign language.

Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

Why does a husband lead a dog’s life? He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.

What’s a parasite? A site you see in Paris.

Why did the birthday boy smash his cake with a hammer? Because it was a pound cake.

Why did the poor dog chase his tail? He was trying to make both ends meet.

Why don’t owls give each other birthday gifts? Because they don’t give a hoot!

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

What do you call the King’s rabbit? The hare to the throne.

Why are elevator jokes so good? Because they work on so many levels.

What’s the most musical part of the chicken? The drumstick.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

How do you know you’re no longer a spring chicken? Because your birthday is in autumn.

What do cheerleaders eat for breakfast? Cheerios!

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toed.

What type of store do apes own? Monkey business.

What did the horse say when he fell down? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

What did the clock ask the watch? Hour you doing?

Did you hear about the birthday candle sale? It was a big blowout!

What is Marco’s favorite clothing store? Polo.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.

Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? He wanted to reach his full potential!

Why do candles love birthdays? They like to get lit.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Why did the apple join the gym? To get some core strength.

What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!

Why are birthdays good for your health? Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays actually live longer.

Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.

What does a baby computer call its father? Data!

What trick did the loaf of bread teach the dog? Roll over!

Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. The big moron fell off. Do you know why the other one didn’t? Because he was a little more on.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

What room can no one enter? A mushroom.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about. It’s your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about – it’s been collecting dirt on you for years.

Who eats snails? People who don’t like fast food!

What did the snail who was riding on the turtle’s back say? Wheeeee!

Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? They gave the actors’ stage fright.

What breaks when you speak? Silence!

Why did the manager bring a pencil and paper to the match? They were hoping for a draw!

What toons do cows enjoy? Moo-sic.

What do you call sleeping puppies? Hush Puppies

Why are Florida hotels so nice? The amanatees.

Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Why did the calendar go to therapy? Because its days were numbered!

How does a tree go home when it is ready? It leaves.

Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!

What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.

Where do hamburgers go dancing?  They go to the meat-ball.

How do you know when you’re getting too old? When the candles cost more than the birthday cake.

Why did the officer issue a ticket to the dog who gave birth on the side of the road? Because she was littering.

What food can someone blow on, but everyone still wants to eat? A birthday cake.

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watchdogs.

What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? A grape nobody picks on.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

What did the lawyer drink on her birthday? Subpoena colada.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

How do you turn soup into gold? Add 24 carrots.

What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a keyboard? The space bar.

Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

What do dogs get after they graduate from obedience school? Their masters

What type of bug has good etiquette? A lady bug.

Why did the kid become a musician? He was a maestro of music!

What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.

Why do tennis balls whisper happy birthday to each other? They don’t want to make a racquet.

Did you hear the rumor about the butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it!

Why did the chicken go to the gym? To get some egg-cellent abs!

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog? Frostbite!

What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!

What did Darth Vader’s dog say to Luke’s dog? Come on! Join the bark side.

What type of button can’t you buy at the store? A belly button.

Why do kids always forget their past birthday parties? Because they’re so focused on the present.

Why did the rabbit go to the doctor? He had hare-loss.

Why don’t trees use the train? They can never decide on a root.

What do you call advice from a cow? Beef Tips.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had drumsticks!

How do potatoes solve fights? They hash it out.

Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies!

What does a cold stereo play? Cool music.

What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper!

Why did the dinosaur go to the doctor? He had an eye-saur.

Want to know if your wife or your dog loves you more? Just lock them both in a crate for a few hours and see which one is happy to see you once you open it.

Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

What is a gust of wind’s favorite color? Blew.

How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.

What did the one dog say to the other before they enjoyed their bones? Bon appetite!

Our dog brings us the newspaper every day…Funny thing is, we’ve never subscribed to any!

What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

How did the dad make the tissue dance? He put a little boogie in it.

What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

What do you call a lazy bull? A bulldozer

Why did the piano teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes!

How did the blonde die ice fishing? She was hit by the zamboni.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

How do dog catchers get paid? By the pound!

Why did the man throw his margarine? He wanted to see the butter fly.

What did the horse wish for on its birthday? A stable economy.

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.

Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!

Which superhero hits home runs? Batman!

Why aren’t Corgi jokes funny? All of them are really short.

What doesn’t get any wetter no matter how much it rains? The ocean.

Did you hear about the sale on birthday candles? It’s a blowout.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.